My heart longs...

My heart longs for the midwest country. For the birch trees shimmering in the sunshine. For peeling wooden footbridges and fireflies. For patchwork quilts and that single windchime harmonizing with the chirping birds. For actually seeing more than 3 stars in the night sky and breathing in wildflower air.

But I've got 38th and Bloomington.

I am not complaining (right now). This is DEFINITELY where God wants us as a family. I think the journey to getting this house had so many of His fingerprints on it for that reason, so that I would know without a doubt that this is exactly where He wants us. So I obey.

And I CLING to the heart-blessings that I know will come with obedience.

But, oh, how it stretches me. And many, many times a day it can feel so overwhelming. Vigilance, constant noise, sirens racing down the street, the neighbors loud-music-filled-house ten feet away, electrical cords and large chipmunks out my back window, other peoples swearing children at the park, double-locked doors, drug deals in front of the barber shop, people always wanting bus fare.

LORD, I want peace. I just want peace and quiet.

You'll have to fight for it, kb. And it won't come how you think it will come.

It seems as if the antithesis of peace would be fighting. But, I am seeing that, for me, the antithesis of peace is actually fretting. Because what we are fighting is our flesh, and (gasp) our deceitful hearts. The defeat of our flesh by the Spirit of God (through obedience and choices) will bring us peace.

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. Gal 5:17

But when we FRET, especially as women, that is when we just allow our flesh and our hearts to carry us away with "if onlys" and "maybes" and daydream up realities and lies that do not exist for us at this moment, we MISS GOD RIGHT NOW. The longing for fireflies isn't sin, I do believe that it is a desire that is deep in my heart and it's from God. The sin-what I am fighting-is the constant focus on it, the staring at what I don't want about my life, the thinking about how I can wriggle out of what He has before me, the ungrateful heart

...and the believing that ANYTHING outside of Him will fill my deep desires for peace.

But, how do I fight this, God? How do I fight against my fretting and fight for your peace?

He's so gracious to tell me.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition...

God, about this city thing. It is so overwhelming. I feel like I can't even breathe. I feel like all of the lives are closing in around my heart...

...with thanksgiving...

But, I must fight my fretting heart with true gratitude. I thank you for Jason's heart for people. Thank you for this big house. Thank you that I know I am exactly where you want us and thank you for making that so clear. Thank you that I really can just drive a couple of hours and be somewhere full of shimmering birch trees. Thank you for the fact that I belong to you, because if nothing else ever went "right" again, that would be enough.

present your requests to God.

Could I please have your peace and a heart like yours, Lord? Can I please have my inner heart be still and quiet? And, Lord, can you please give me little glimpses of your beauty through creation within the blocks of Minneapolis?

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Amen.

Gal 5:17

Philippians 4:6-7